


Saturn

by Mercury_213 (KhameirSarin22)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, mentions death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:48:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29557974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KhameirSarin22/pseuds/Mercury_213
Summary: A short work I wrote inspired by the song Saturn by Sleeping at Last.Levi's mind can't help but go back to the past. One in which Erwin is still alive. But it's the closest he can get to him.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Kudos: 14





	Saturn

“Sorry I couldn’t come earlier. It’s been a while, I know.”  
I can’t quite remember how long it’s been since that day. A lot of things happened in between- I- we barely had time to process everything. 

My sleeping habits have gotten worse. There were times here and there where I’d fall asleep on the chair in our room and wake up in bed. I’m sure the bastard was behind it, but he’d never budge when I pressed him about it. He remained perfectly calm and unimpressed. It’s needless to say I am sure it was him all along. He’d always nag about how I needed sleep. The hypocrite, he’d be the one to stay up all night doing paperwork. Sometimes I’d stay up just to make sure he wouldn’t overwork himself. 

I remember one time when we were both unable to sleep. I believe it was after Eren plugged the wall. We sat together in our room, drinking tea, when Erwin got this little glint in his eyes. I didn’t ask him  
about it, I didn’t need to. I knew he was up to something and it wouldn’t take long until he cracked. 

“Levi, follow me”. I didn’t hesitate, I followed. It must have been around the witching hour by then. I couldn’t tell, my eyes always burned with exhaustion around that time. I got more suspicious once we got to the stables, but even then, I didn’t question him. I knew whatever it was he got into that head of his, it would be worth the while. When we mounted our horses I began to simmer with curiosity. He was like that, sporadic and spontaneous. Whatever it was he was up to, I couldn’t read his expression to figure it out. We rode for quite a while, even through the forest. Suddenly, he came to a halt. 

“Here, follow me”. He unmounted his horse and lead me deeper. I was concerned about leaving our horses behind, but I trusted him. He was excited about something, because by now I was almost running to keep up with his fast and long strides. I felt irritation well up inside of me- until I realized where we were. 

“The lake? You really decided to drag me all the way here in the middle of the night?” with all the work we still have to do? Although I didn’t say the last part out loud. 

“Just wait, Levi. Armin told me about this. I’ve been hoping you’d have a moment with me to experience this.” It was dark, but I could see enough to know his eyes were glittering with excitement. I could also hear it in the way his breath hitched a little when he spoke. Anyone else would have written it off to him running, but I knew him. I knew him so well. I saw sides of him he reserved for no one else but me. And I suppose he saw sides of me I only reserved for him. 

“I swear, if you took me all the way out here for some bull-“ I couldn’t believe my eyes. I’d been here so often, but that night I felt like I had only seen it for the first time. Now that we were out of the woods, the full moon radiated a bright light. The sky seemed to be illuminated with stars, one brighter than the other. I remembered right there and then, I used to be mesmerized by them, I used to watch them with Isabel and Furlan. . . I used to feel this same way. 

“It’s a bit early, but once every thirty years, the stars seem to fall- shoot through the sky. We can see this, but not many people know about this.” Erwin’s expression grew glum. I walked up beside him and pretended not to see. I didn’t wish to damage his dignity by mentioning it. 

“My father, he knew of these things. He was the one who took me here when I was but a boy.” He sat down as he spoke, his eyes focused on the sky. I wondered what he saw in that moment, something beyond us I am sure. Whatever it was, I couldn’t see it- but I felt it somehow. 

“He told me how rare and beautiful it is that we should be able to witness something like that in our lifetime.” A smile spread across his face, but it was mirthless. He turned to finally look at me, and I felt like a hand clutched my throat. I couldn’t swallow. 

“He knew of a lot of things. Things many others couldn’t even dream of. Armin would have enjoyed his teachings. I am certain of it”. Even as he chuckled, I felt the weight in my chest grow heavier. We sat in each other’s company in silence for a while, simply staring at all the world had to offer us. It seemed like we both had stopped seeing after all the bloodshed and grief. In that moment, all of that was out sight, even if it was just for a moment. I’d look over to him every now and then, checking to see what he was thinking. But that night I found it hard to read him. He was distant, but I had never been this close with him before.

“My mother, she used to tell me that we barely know anything of the world. That she was sure there were things out there that would take our breath away.” I sighed softly, staring at the moon. A smile appeared on Erwin’s face after I spoke of this. 

“They are right here, too”. He spoke softly, almost too softly for me to hear him. When I looked at him, he seemed to be in thoughts again. 

“What is?” Erwin didn’t answer me, he only chuckled and shook his head. I didn’t press. 

“This is the first time I’ve heard you speak of your mother.” The gentleness in his voice surprised me. He always sounded different when we were together alone, but still his voice would command a certain respect. Now, I felt like we were beyond ranks. I felt like we were beyond ourselves, and I believe Erwin did so too. 

“I see,” I couldn’t explain why I never did. Some reasons were obvious, I barely spoke of my past to anyone, but Erwin and I spoke more candidly together. When our eyes met again, I could tell that he knew she wasn’t alive anymore. I must have had the same look in my eyes he had whenever he spoke of his father. 

“I know it might be selfish of me to ask, but I never had a mother. . . What was she like?” Erwin crossed his legs and turned a little to face me. I wasn’t sure how to answer that because I wasn’t sure what he needed to hear. I took a breath and enjoyed the cool wind on my skin before answering. 

“She couldn’t offer me much- she barely had enough to survive herself, but she always ensured I would be taken care of. She tried her best, but that place got the better of her.” I leaned my arms on my knees and watched the wind trail across the surface of the lake. I felt Erwin’s warmth beside me. “I don’t remember much, I’m sorry-“ 

“That’s alright,” 

“- but I do remember that while she was still healthy. . . She was beautiful. I am certain every person who has a mother would say this, but I felt like she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Soft. . . Gentle. . . Loving. . . I loved her very much,” Erwin was silent as I spoke but it felt like somehow he could see what I saw when I spoke of her. 

“She loved me more than anything in the world,” I trailed off. Gladly, Erwin stopped the silence from getting overwhelming. 

“I felt the same about my father. When I’d sit in class, I would admire him. Whenever people spoke fondly of him, I’d feel my heart burst out of my chest with pride. Because hearing those things confirmed everything I felt about him. And to think, that man, _that man_ was _my_ father,” his voice trailed off now. I hadn’t realized how intently I had been staring at him until he met my eyes. That same blue glimmer was there in those eyes when I met him. The admiration in his eyes. 

“Thank you, Levi. For trusting me,” that surprised me. I merely shrugged it off, and he allowed me to. There had always been a silent bond of mutual respect of boundaries between us. In this case, however, we had reached a level of understanding that didn’t require communication anymore. We spoke entire conversations without words like that. 

“I’m sorry about your father,” there was more I wanted to say, but chose not to. Erwin seemed to understand this. 

“I am sorry about your mother. But our memories remain. And as long as we have those, they are alive. We keep them alive, even if it has been a long time.” 

I watched him then, the way he looked up to the sky as if he were making a promise with some future thing I couldn’t see yet. He smiled, and as I watched him in that light I knew this was the man I would go to the ends of the world for, the man I would lay my life down on the line for. The man I’d die for, but most importantly, life for. 

“There! Levi!” He pointed at the sky and I followed- “It has begun!” 

I couldn’t believe my eyes when I looked at the sky, the stars were bright to begin with but this was different. I had seen a falling star before, but this- it looked like a shower of them, like rain. We sat there together in silence, watching this miracle of nature unfold right before our eyes. It didn’t matter if I looked down at the lake or at the sky, there were so many of them that I wouldn’t be able to miss them no matter where I looked. 

“My father told me I had to make a wish whenever I saw one of them, or a promise.” Erwin closed his eyes and remained silent for a while. When he opened them again, he smiled and looked at me. 

“Have you thought of a promise?” He asked. 

“Yeah, I have,” I promised myself I would never leave Erwin’s side. No matter what. When our eyes met, I felt like he had made his promise too, and I didn’t dare to ask him what it was. But then again, we didn’t need to speak for us to know. 

_I love you._

_I love you, too. So damn much._

“It’s getting cold Erwin, I’m going home,” I let my hand rest on the stone surface of Erwin’s grave for a bit longer before finally managing to take a step away. It was getting late. 

“I’ll come back tomorrow. I won’t be able to sleep anyway”.  
He was right, as long as I still had my memories, he’d stay alive. 

“I’ll see you soon, I promise.”


End file.
